I’m Not a People Pleaser Anymore

Look, I used to be the worst. The kind of person who’d say yes to every invite, every favor, every last-minute project at work. I’m talking about the time in 2018 when I agreed to help Marcus—let’s call him Marcus, because I’m not naming names—move apartments on a Saturday, then went straight to a friend’s birthday dinner, then edited a 214-page manuscript for another friend. I was exhausted, my apartment was a mess, and I hadn’t slept in 36 hours.

And honestly? I was resentful. Resentful of Marcus for asking, resentful of my friends for expecting me to drop everything, resentful of myself for not speaking up.

But Why Is It So Hard to Say ‘No’?

I asked my colleague named Dave over coffee at the place on 5th about this. He’s a therapist, or at least he plays one on TV. He told me, “People pleasing is a committment to others’ happiness over your own. It’s completley unsustainable.” Which… yeah. Fair enough.

But it’s not just about sustainability. It’s about respect. Your time, your energy, your mental health—they’re all physicaly valuable. And when you’re constantly saying yes to everyone else, you’re saying no to yourself.

How I Learned to Say ‘No’ (And Still Keep Friends)

Last Tuesday, I had a breakthrough. I was at a conference in Austin, and this woman—let’s call her Linda—asked me to join her for dinner with a group of people I didn’t know. I was tired, and honestly, I just wanted to veg out in my hotel room with a book. So I said, “You know what, Linda? I’m gonna pass. I’ve had a long day, and I need some time to myself.” And you know what? The world didn’t end.

In fact, Linda was totally understanding. She said, “Oh, totally get it. Maybe next time.” And that was it. No guilt trip, no passive-aggressive comments. Just acceptance.

But it wasn’t always that easy. About three months ago, I had to tell my friend Sarah that I couldn’t help her move. I was honest: “I’ve got too much on my plate right now. I’m sorry, but I can’t do it.” She was upset at first, but she got over it. And I didn’t feel that familiar pang of resentment. I felt… free.

It’s Not About Being Selfish

Look, I’m not saying you should become a hermit and stop helping people altogether. That’s not what this is about. It’s about setting boundaries. It’s about understanding that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

And it’s about finding a balance. For example, if you’re not into community events local activities, don’t force yourself to go just because your friends are. But if you do want to go, great! Just make sure you’re doing it because you want to, not because you feel obligated.

A Tangent: The Power of ‘Not Right Now’

You know what’s a great alternative to ‘no’? ‘Not right now.’ It’s a way to buy yourself some time, to reassess your priorities, to make sure you’re not saying yes out of guilt or obligation. It’s a tool I’ve been using alot lately, and it’s been a game-changer.

For instance, last month, my boss asked me to take on a new project. I wasn’t sure I had the bandwith, so I said, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” He was totally cool with that. And after some determing, I decided it wasn’t the right fit for me at the time. And that’s okay.

The Bottom Line

Saying ‘no’ is a skill. It’s a muscle you have to build, and it takes practice. But once you start, it gets easier. And the more you do it, the more you’ll realize that your friends and colleagues will respect you more for it.

So go ahead. Try it. Say ‘no’ to something small. See how it feels. You might be surprised at the results.

About the Author
Sarah Johnson is a senior editor with over 20 years of experience in the magazine industry. She’s written for major publications and has a strong opinion on pretty much everything. When she’s not editing or writing, you can find her reading, traveling, or trying out new recipes in her kitchen. She lives in New York City with her cat, Whiskers.

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