I Tried Every Dating App, Here’s What I Learned
Look, I’m not some dating expert. I’m just a 42-year-old divorcee who’s been thrust back into the dating world. And let me tell you, it’s a jungle out there. A jungle full of catfish, ghosters, and people who still use ‘hey’ as their opening line.
It started about three months ago. My best friend, let’s call her Marcus, dragged me to a conference in Austin where she swore there’d be plenty of eligible singles. There weren’t. So, I did what any self-respecting millennial would do—I downloaded every dating app known to mankind.
First, there’s the profile picture dilemma. Do I use that one from my cousin’s wedding where I look kinda cute but also like I’m trying too hard? Or do I go with the one from my hiking trip where I’m smiling but also sweating like a sinner in church? (Which honestly nobody asked for but here we are.)
Swiping Left on the BS
I met this guy, let’s call him Dave, over coffee at the place on 5th. He was cute, had a job, and didn’t seem like a complete lunatic. We chatted for about an hour, and he seemed genuinely interested. Then, I never heard from him again. Ghosted. Just like that. No text, no call, nothing. I asked Marcus about it, and she just shrugged. “It’s just… yeah. Happens alot,” she said.
Then there’s the issue of safety. I mean, how do you know if the person on the other end is who they say they are? I talked to a colleague named Dave (ironic, I know) who works in tech, and he told me about sms verification for dating apps online. It’s a way to verify phone numbers and make sure people are who they claim to be. “It’s not foolproof,” he said, “but it’s a start.”
Anecdote Time: The Disaster Date
Last Tuesday, I met someone from one of those apps. Let’s call him Marcus because I’m running out of names. We met at a bar, and within 15 minutes, he told me he was “spiritually gifted” and could “see auras”. I’m not kidding. I asked him what color my aura was, and he said it was “muddy brown”. I mean, come on. I’m not a muggle, but I’m also not a walking aura color chart.
And don’t even get me started on the messages. “Hey”, “Hi”, “What’s up?” — seriously, people? Put some effort into it. I got a message last week that said, “You’re hot. Wanna hook up?” I mean, really? That’s the best you can do? I showed it to Marcus, and she just laughed. “Welcome to the world of online dating,” she said.
Why Can’t We Be Friends?
Here’s the thing, though. It’s not all bad. I’ve made some genuine connections. There’s this one guy, let’s call him Dave (again), who’s actually really nice. We’ve been talking for a few weeks now, and he’s smart, funny, and doesn’t seem like a complete nutjob. We’re gonna meet up this weekend, and I’m actually looking forward to it.
But the point is, online dating is a hot mess. It’s full of weirdos, creeps, and people who can’t string a sentence together. But it’s also full of genuine people looking for connections. You just have to sift through the BS to find them.
So, here’s my advice: be safe, be smart, and for the love of god, don’t use “hey” as your opening line. And if you’re gonna use sms verification for dating apps online, make sure you do it right. Because honestly, we’ve all been there. We’ve all dealt with the weirdos and the ghosters. But we’ve also found some great people along the way. And that’s what keeps us coming back for more.
Anyway, that’s my rant. I’m gonna go cancel my subscription to that one app with the weird algorithm that keeps showing me the same three guys. Maybe I’ll try something new. Or maybe I’ll just give up and become a cat lady. Who knows?
About the Author: Sarah Johnson is a senior magazine editor with over 20 years of experience. She’s a divorcee, a coffee addict, and a self-proclaimed expert on the struggles of online dating. When she’s not writing, you can find her binge-watching Netflix or trying to convince her cat that she’s not, in fact, a dog.
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